Tales From the Vault: Lois Lane #93

Welcome back to another gripping installment of Tales From the Vault, where we read comics so you don't have to. Or something like that. So what's on the docket today? How about a prime example of some Silver Age superdickery, courtesy of Lois Lane #93, guest starring Wonder Woman? Grab your kryptonite and cinch up your red underpants, because this one is a doozy.

And don't forget to click on the images to enbiggen them.

Details: This issue of Lois Lane (technically, the series is titled Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane, but I refuse to use that title for reasons that are about to become obvious) has a cover date of July, 1969. The comic doesn't have any credits, because DC was really into the whole corporate factory thing at this point, but it's by writer Robert Kanigher and artists Irv Novick and Mike Esposito. Anyone who knows Kanigher has a pretty good idea of the madness that is about to ensue, so it's probably just as well they didn't scare the kids by putting his name on the first page.

Synopsis: First off, this issue came out during the short-lived I-Ching era of Wonder Woman, which for those of you who aren't Chinese means the brief period when Wonder Woman lost all of her super powers, got rid of her costume and fought crime using amazing kung-fu taught to her by her blind Asian mentor I-Ching. That's a real thing. I did not just make that up.

So, to the story: Wonder Woman is in Metropolis to help Superman out by performing with him in the circus. Finally, someone realized what a freak that alien tool is. Or, actually, it's for charity. Naturally, Lois is on hand to cover the story for the Daily Planet, and just as naturally she immediately becomes insanely jealous to the point of having nightmares about the possibility of Wonder Woman stealing her man. Here's a tip, Lois: If he can be stolen, he's not really your man. Think about it.

Anyway, Perry White loves the article so much that he assigned her to follow Wonder Woman and Superman around. This plan goes wrong right away as it's clear that Superman is, in fact, falling for Wonder Woman. So she tags around behind them like a lame duck while they do things like try on wigs at Wonder Woman's boutique (don't ask) and go dancing at a hippie night club. No, really:




In fact, Superman gets so into the dancing that he accidentally uses his super speed and sets the dance floor on fire. Now that's cutting a rug. Anyway, irritated by the gathering crowd, he and Wonder Woman fly off to enjoy themselves in private, ditching Lois in the process, who can only watch forlornly as they fly off - something that will happen more than once in this comic (foreshadowing!).

Lois, though, is made of sterner stuff, so she decides to fight for her man. Literally: She hires a judo and karate expert to train her. And after a super cool training montage, where Lois becomes a martial arts master, she's ready to challenge Wonder Woman. Oh, it's on!



Unfortunately for Lois, Wonder Woman without her powers is still Wonder Woman, so she immediately decks Lois, throwing her ass-over-teakettle, slamming her into the ground and then pimp-slapping the hell out of her, all while Superman perches on a rock and has the time of his life, no doubt concealing a super-boner as the ladies catfight for his love. You'll want to click on this to see it in all it's... glory:




Honestly, it's downright disturbing. Here's a closeup of his face as he watches the fight:




Nothing gives him as much pleasure as seeing Lois get beat to a pulp. Think I'm exaggerating his super-assholitude? Check out the end of the fight where, unable to walk, Lois crawls on her hands and knees, literally praying for Superman's love. His response? He flies off with Wonder Woman again, leaving Lois broken, bloodied and lying in the dirt:






As it happens, though, Lois still has an ace up her sleeve. See, all along Superman has told her that he can't marry her ever because, as a normal human, she would be an easy target for villains bent on revenge. And since Wonder Woman has no powers any more, it means Superman can't marry her. Which is why Lois is so shocked and horrified when Wonder Woman suddenly saves an exploding NASA rocket using flight, invulnerability and super strength. How? Why? WHYYYYYYYYYY?!

Well, it doesn't matter why, because now that Wonder Woman has powers again, it's a done deal: Superman proposes and she accepts. Better yet, Lois gets the assignment to cover the wedding, so she has to trail around behind Wonder Woman while Diana shops for her wedding dress. And she's totally bitchy about it too, delivering the stone cold line "Now you can come and watch me shop!" when Lois asks if she can instead get a look at Wonder Woman's new mansion.

Lois isn't the best reporter in Metropolis for nothing, though. She figures something must be up. And sure enough, she quickly (well, it's page 18, so not that quickly) uncovers the truth. Sneaking over to Wonder Woman's new mansion, she discovers the real Wonder Woman locked in a basement cell. Turns out the Wonder Woman who has been wooing Superman is actually a Kryptonian imposter, escaped from the Phantom Zone. But before Lois can rescue Diana, the fake Wonder Woman returns, and, after declaiming her origin, blasts Lois with a disintigrator ray.

Except! Superman flies in out of nowhere and destroys the ray gun before she can fire it. Then he frees Diana and Lois and shunts the villainess off to the Phantom Zone. So how did Superman know what was going on? Was the whole charade a clever plot on his part to uncover her evil scheme?

Well, no. Turns out he happened by totally by chance. See, he was looking for Lois to tell her he had decided not to marry Wonder Woman after all. So for those keeping score, everything Superman did in this issue -- acting like the biggest a-hole in the universe, two-timing with Wonder Woman and then proposing to her -- it was all totally real, because Superman had NO IDEA she was an imposter. And forget about how crappy Lois must feel about all this, imagine how totally awkward Superman's next conversation with Wonder Woman must have been. "Wait, you fell in love with 'me?' And you got engaged to someone you thought was me? Did you guys, like... do it? You know what, I don't even want to know."

Really, how creepy is that?

THE END!!!

Extras: There's a letter from DC in the back of the book explaining why they had to raise their price from 12 cents to 15 cents. It had been a dime since issue #30, but it would only be 20 issues before the price was raised again with #112. There's also a full page ad with a bunch of comic book covers and a giant blurb that says "Dynamite's Coming!" in huge letters. What does that mean? Who the hell knows. I'm guessing they were just trying to think of words that started with D and C.

My Grades: For sheer WTFness, this issue gets a solid A. Superman, on the other hand, gets an F for being the worst "boyfriend" ever and just for being a gigantic douchenozzle. Lois is a toss up; on the one hand she shows guts and gumption, as usual, battling Wonder Woman in hand to hand combat. On the other hand, she's still in the lovelorn fool mode DC stuck her in for pretty much all of the 1950's and 60's. So I'm giving her an Incomplete. I-Ching Wonder Woman, though, is tops, so she gets an A for not kicking Superman right in the junk when she found out he was banging her doppelganger. Even though I would pay a lot of money to see that happen -- the kick part, not the banging part.

Free Lois!

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Tales From the Vault: Mr. District Attorney #40

Welcome back to another Tales From the Vault, where we dig into our stash of back issues and read comics to you via the internet. Up today is an extra special treat (?), Mr. District Attorney #40, from 1954. Yes, this crime comic comes to you from the last dying moments of the Golden Age, when the comics industry was brought low by Senate hearings, Red Scare tactics and class warfare, all because of some overwrought crime and horror comics. So with that in mind, is Mr. District Attorney part of the problem? Or is it part of the solution?

One hint is that this crime book was published by DC, not EC, which for long time readers pretty much answers the question right there. I don't want to give any spoilers away before we get into the comic, but considering how blandly inoffensive and whitebread pretty much everything DC put out in the 1950's was -- a policy that allowed them to escape the Comic Code pyres unscathed -- chances are pretty slim that we'll find anything salacious in this issue. But we can hope, right?

Let's take a look!


Details: As previously noted, this issue hails from July/August of 1954, with art from Howard Purcell and scripts provided by an anonymous donor. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. District Attorney -- which I'm guessing is almost everyone -- this curious comic was licensed from a radio program. That sounds kind of strange, but it's true; back in the late 40's, DC actually licensed a whole line of radio crime dramas that they turned into comic books, including fellow titles Gang Busters and Big Town. Not only did Mr. District Attorney outlast the radio program, it also outlasted the eventual TV version as well, and by a long shot; the comic continued bi-monthly until 1959, more than a half decade after the other versions of the series had vanished.

Story One Synopsis: Ah, this is nice. Each story starts off with a little narrator's box in the voice of Mr. District Attorney (that's "D.A." to his close friends, of course. Of which he has...none). That's a nice touch, though it's not quite as cool as if the note were from the writer, a la Charles Biro's often hysterical rants in Boy Comics. But anyway.

This first story looks as though it's ripped from today's headlines: a guy is at a diner and isn't paying attention to what he's doing and the next thing you know, he's spilled hot coffee all over himself. It sucks, but what are you going to do, right? Well, how about sue the owners? I had to double check that this was 1954, and not 2004, but there's one key difference -- in this story, the people doing the stupid things all pretty much agree it's their own fault. Instead, it's ambulance chasing lawyers who convince them to sue against their better thoughts. Now, of course, we just cut out the middle man.

Coffee burn man isn't the only Clumsy Clem in town, though, and we get a nice montage of people doing dumb things like falling down escalators, grabbing electrical generators and getting sick on roller coasters. Before you can say "Starbucks," a skeevy lawyer has swooped in and convinced them to sue. But that's not all; as Mr. District Attorney learns, the lawyers then pocket the settlement money, giving the victim's only a mere pittance, which they are happy to get because they figured they would have no chance of making anything since it was all their own stupid fault.

I guess it is 1954 after all. You can tell by the naivete.

Anyhoo, Mr. District Attorney comes up with a cunning plan: he has his assistant go undercover and purposely get in stupid accidents all over town in the hopes of drawing out a bad lawyer. Well, that sounds like a really bad, random plan, but okay. And funny enough, it actually totally fails. After a long day of clutzery, the assistant finally gives up and hails a cab -- only to accidentally get dragged down the street by the cabbie, who didn't see him getting in. Whoops! And, of course, ironically, it's the real accident that the lawyers spot.

After all this setup, we suddenly get an abrupt ending, which seemed to be the style back in the day: Mr. District Attorney follows the lawyers to the cabbie's garage, where he catches the lawyer tampering with the car in an attempt to jury rig some fake proof of wrongdoing to help his case. D.A. throws him in the clink and Nameless City U.S.A. is once again safe from ambulance chasers! Justice is served!!!

THE END!


Story Two Synopsis: Things get off to a bang thanks to a suspicious fire. Luckily, Mr. District Attorney is on the scene and immediately sports the presumed perp just hanging out right there. That's always a handy way to solve crimes. Unfortunately, they have to airmail the fingerprints to Washington, D.C. in order to have his record checked and by the time they come back, the guy has already been sprung by a lawyer. Darn those inefficient 50's police techniques!

Of course, this won't do for a big cheese like D. A., so he comes up with the solution: they need to buy a new Fastphoto System to instantaneously check criminal records. The amazing device? Well, it's basically a giant fax machine! The astonishing futuristic machine is immediately put into play when a guy who looks a lot like a wanted fugitive comes into the station. The coppers only have an hour before the lawyers are allowed to free him on bail, so they need to get answers fast, see? Luckily, D. A.'s assistant is on hand to rush to a nearby town that actually owns a fax machine. After his car breaks down, he commandeers a horse and rides the rest of the way, faxes in the fingerprints and gets back the results just nine minutes and 34 seconds later: the bad guy is a crook, all right.

Meanwhile, time has expired, so the crook is being let out. Just then, though, Mr. District Attorney gets a call from his assistant with the good news and he throws the criminal back in the clink. Even better, there was a $5,000 reward for his capture, so the assistant can afford to buy a new car. being a paragon of justice, though, he decides to buy a fax machine for the town instead. Good work, son!

THE END!!


Story Three Synopsis: In this four page tale, which doesn't even have D. A. in it, a steward on a cruise ship realizes that a guy on board is smuggling diamonds inside a fake hairbrush. Naturally, the steward kills him and tosses him overboard, then absconds with the hairbrush. However, he's detained by custom's officials who realize he must be a smuggler because the hairbrush doesn't have any hair in it, so it's not actually being used as a hairbrush. Duh. They pop the false top, diamonds come out and that's all for the would be thief. I mean, that's really all, because the last panel says they executed him for murder. Can you get the death penalty for a crime that took place in international waters?

THE END!!!


Story Four Synopsis: It's The Secret of Sound Stage Seven! Okay, this one starts out with some promise: a group of suspects in an unsolved murder are brought onto a movie set, where the scene of the crime has been perfectly replicated. Mr. District Attorney explains that they are filming a short called "Famous Unsolved Murders" and for the sake of authenticity, they are having the actual participants in the movie.

Just as he is explaining this -- and as we get some exposition showing what happened during the murder, where, during the typical convenient power outage, a weighted sap apparently flew through a window and clocked the victim -- the power goes out on the stage as well! Everyone kind of panics, but the lights come back on and D. A. reveals that the experiment is over because he now knows who the killer is!

At this announcement, the killer panics even more and makes a break for it, rushing out onto the set of another movie to try and escape. D.A., thinking quickly, shouts "Cut!" and everyone except the killer freezes in place, allowing the cops to easily locate the killer in the bustle.

So how did D.A. know who the killer was? The answer: he didn't, he just set the whole thing up sop he could pretend he knew in order to scare the killer into revealing himself. And by god, if it didn't work! The fact that this is probably the shoddiest crimesolving methodology in the history of law enforcement doesn't factor into things, thanks to the happy ending, but I can't be the only one wishing he had made his grand pronouncement only to have everyone just stare at him waiting for the answer as to who the killer was. It's fortunate that crooks in comics, TV shows and movies all seem to be total dumbasses.

THE END!!!!


Extras: Compared with issues of Boy Comics form the same time period, the ads seem more contemporary for some reason. The best of the bunch is a Hostess-style mini-comic featuring Abbott and Costello approaching two kids playing marbles to prevent one of them from gambling away his valuable popsicle sticks. There's also, as usual, two text pages, this time called "The Crime File," which is an almost Reader Digest-esque rundown of wacky crime stories, true or otherwise. Best of all, there's a section touting DC's "Editorial Advisory Board," which lists prominent educators and children's experts who are no doubt listed here in an attempt to convince worried parents that this comic isn't some kind of communist evil. And we all know how that turned out.

My Grades: As a historical artifact, the comic gets a B. The ripped from the headlines topicality of the ambulance chasers is maybe more interesting now than it was at the time, while the futuristic use of the fax machine in 1954 is awesome. Though why some podunk neighbor town already has one and a big city like Los Angeles still doesn't have one is beyond me (the city is not explicitly named here, but it was clearly identified in the TV show and made plain in the comic by the presence of the movie studio in the fourth story). The actual stories, though, get a D+ because they are some of the most boring and least entertaining I have read in recent memory. Hell, the main character doesn't even have a name for Pete's sake! I do like the cover design, which I would give a B as well, but my copy is coverless so I don't even get that out of the bargain. Overall, then, my final grade for this is a C- at best.

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Tales From the Vault: Iron Man 2

This is a bit of a departure from my usual Tales From the Vault offerings, as I'm going to take a look at the newest comic to be dumped in the Vault, Iron Man 2. Now, we know what you're thinking: isn't that a movie? Well, sure. But it's also the title of a free comic book Marvel and Target are giving out when you go to see that movie. So we thought it only made sense to strike while the iron's hot and review it now. Get it? Strike while the iron's hot? Cause it's Iron Man 2? Okay, never mind, let's just go right to the comic.


Details: This comic is technically known as Target/Iron Man 2 #1 according to the indicia. That's kind of a bulky title when you think about it, though it does give a hint of the classic 1968 one-shot Iron Man and Sub-Mariner. Only without the Sub-Mariner. Anyway, the creative team for this comic is writer/letterer Joe Caramagna (there's a combination you don't see every day) and artist Jacopo Camagni. In other words: who?


Synopsis: Our tale begins with a mysterious stranger with a baseball cap pulled way, way too far down on their head trying to sneak into Tony Stark's seaside villa. Things go okay right up until the moment when they get to the sub-basement where he keeps all the gooies. At this point, the security codes suddenly stop working. Uh-oh!

Meanwhile, Happy Hogan is chauffeuring Stark around in a big limo, so apparently this story does in fact take place in movie continuity rather than in the Marvel Universe, since Happy is stone dead in the regular MU. As usual Tony is sitting in the back talking about some chick he's been shagging, only this time, he thinks she might be THE ONE. Signs point to know, but, okay, Tony. Whatever you say.

Just then, they get an alert from robot-Jarvis that the house is being broken into. Cut to: the house being broken into. Realizing that the repulsor is about to hit the fan, the intruder changes tacks and hoofs it too... a place, not sure where... and there's a big-ass car sitting there. Hmm.

Turns out this is Tony's favorite car, which he has named Betty. Using apparently the powers of ESP, Tony intuits that Betty has been stolen -- they never quite explain how he knows this (more on this later) but somehow, he does. Hey, he's friggin Iron Man, right? He just knows these things apparently. But unfortunately, the limo doesn't have the chops to chase down Betty, since Betty is quite the sweet ride under that fine chassis. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

So what 's he going to do? One guess, and "roller skate boots" doesn't count. Yes, he suits up into his Iron Man rig and zips off down the road. Priority #1: stop his favorite car without damaging it. His awesome plan to pull this off: stand in front of the car and order it to stop.

Well, guess what? This doesn't work! Instead, the car crashes right into him. And much to his shock -- and our complete non-shock -- it turns out the driver is Lena, the woman he was mooning over earlier. Noooo! Not you too, Lena?! Even worse -- or bettr, I guess, depending on your point of view -- the car is so amazingly sturdy that even though it appears to have totally destroyed the front end in a collision that sent Iron Man careening right through a building, it still drives just fine and with no injury at all to Lena. Now that's some serious safety rating. And maybe the engine is in the back or something. And maybe I should get a no-prize for fankwanking this artistic laziness away.

Anyhoo, Iron Man flies his ass back over to the car as it drives away and he rips the roof clean off it. His new plan to stop the car? Engage the emergency brake. Amazingly, this works better than anything he manages to do with his big Iron Man suit, so chalk one up for German engineering apparently. Also: suck it, Iron man suit.

Now Tony gets the sob story from Lena: turns out the Ten Rings (those were some of the bad guys in the first Iron man film for those of you keeping track at home) kidnapped her son and sent her to steal the Iron Man suit. Instead, she swiped the car which, as we have just seen, is apparently more advanced technology anyway. Iron Man basically dumps her, then grits his teeth and flies off to save. that. KID!

THE END!!!!?


Extras: This comic is sponsored by Target, which means that instead of a lettercolumn (like anyone does those any more anyway) or whatever, the back of the book is totally filled with coupons for Iron man 2 toys available at Target. Best deal: a set of Iron Man sheets, blankets and pillow cases that only costs $30. That's sweet. I still have my Pac-Man sheets from when I was a kid. No, I don't use them. But maybe I should.

Also, there's an Iron Man helmet mask for $35 that actually appears in the film itself, which is a nice bit of cross-promotion. And by nice I mean shameless.

But the best toy of all, hands down, is the Iron Man 2 edition of Operation. Unfortunately, the photo of this is too small to see the details, but presumably you are removing circuits and transformers and gears instead of organs. Whatever, it's just awesome regardless.


Comments: One interesting thing for me about reading this comic is that a non-comic reading friend of mine also picked up a copy when we went to the movies, so I was able to get her unbiased opinion about the comic. Essentially, she found it to be confusing, which is interesting because as a long time comic reader I found it easy enough to follow, if kind of boring. But some established comic book storytelling techniques clearly weren't working for her because she wasn't familiar with the visual language of comics. Not to get all Scott McCloud on you. Which is an interesting thing. It might be a cool exercise to give some comics to people who don't read them and study what techniques do and don't work for the average, uninitiated reader.

There was also one section of the story that was legitimately confusing regardless of how many comics you have read and that's Tony's sudden, inexplicable announcement that his car has been stolen. I suspect that this problem originated as an art mistake -- in this panel, we see Happy whipping the limo around in the middle of the highway as they are racing back to the mansion. My guess is that the art was supposed to show the stolen car passing them going the other way, hence Tony's reaction and Happy's action. Yet, the panels in this sequence don't show anything of the sort. Nor does the dialogue fix the mistake, something that should have been very easy to do simply by having Tony state what just happened.

Maybe that's too old school -- actually using dialogue for exposition instead of letting the art tell every detail of the story -- but something it's necessary. And if the writer didn't catch it -- or wasn't in a position to see the mistake, it's hard to say -- then the editor should have fixed it. As it is, though, this sequence doesn't make any sense. I'm looking at you, editor Nathan Cosby, aka "The Cos"! Whoever you are.

Which brings me to my last bit of commentary: what was Marvel thinking with this? Here's a captive audience of literally millions of potential Iron Man fans, most of whom have no exposure to the actual comic books. This is an unprecedented chance to get product in their hands and possibly convert legions of new fans. So why this? Why some random writer with some random artist and some random editor telling some random, half-assed story? Why wouldn't you put your best guys on this book? Why not use the actual Iron Man creative team? Why not have a story that actually ties in with either the current MU Iron Man storyline or with the movie itself (and not just one vague reference to the Ten Rings, who don't even appear in this film)?

I don't understand any of the decisions that went into creating this comic.


My Grades: The art is passable if uninspired and a bit generic in a very modern sense; it gets a C-, with points deducted for not telling the story in an understandable way. The writing is professional enough but I can't say I cared enough to want to read the follow-up (which apparently is available somewhere online). It gets a C. The idea of giving out an Iron Man comic at the biggest film event of the year gets an A+++ but the actual execution of hat idea gets an F-. What a wasted opportunity.

If for some reason you want to read this yourself, the comic is available here for free.

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Opening Day Special: The Greatest Game Ever Played

Opening Day for the latest baseball season has finally arrived and for millions of baseball fans the crack of the bat ushers in the beginning of another summer of highlights, lowlights and pennant races. So it only seemed fitting that to commemorate the return of our National Pastime we take a look at what is undoubtedly the Greatest Game Ever Played.

No, we're not talking about Game 6 of the 1975 World Series. Rather, we're talking about a far more pivotal moment in the history of our great game: a showdown between the greatest heroes and villains of the DC Universe orchestrated, as you might have already guessed, by Mr. and Mrs. Menace themselves. You may recall that the last time we met the villainous duo (perhaps better known by their other aliases, Sportsmaster and The Huntress) they were busy plotting how to use golf to defeat the Justice Society. Well, in DC Super-Stars #10, when The Huntress and Sportsmaster got in a fight over her decision to turn into a superhero, they finally agreed that there was only one way to settle the argument: on the diamond.

What resulted has been called by some The Greatest Story Ever Told, and while we don't want to disrespect the Bible, we're going to have to agree. The setup: using some sort of evil, Sportsmaster traps 66,000 baseball fans inside the local ballfield and issues a challenge to the heroes of Earth. Unless they play his hand selected team of villains in a straight up game of baseball -- no super powers allowed -- those fans will never leave the stadium alive! And though that might seem like a blessing to, say, embarrassed Cubs fans, in this case it means certain doom.

So, faced with no other choice, the heroes reluctantly agree to the game. With the Huntress on their side in her new role as superhero, the good guys fill the role of away team, while the villains claim the right of the final at bat. Here are the team lineups:

Heroes: Wonder Woman, 2B; Robin, LF; Kid Flash, SS; Batman, C; Green Arrow, 3B; Huntress, CF; Plastic Man, 1B; Black Canary, RF; Superman, P

Villains: Dr. Polaris, 3B; Tattooed Man, SS; Felix Faust, 1B; Lex Luthor, CF; Weather Wizard, LF; The Joker, C; Chronos, RF; Matter Master, 2B; Sportsmaster, P



Now, key to these proceedings is the rule that nobody is allowed to use any super powers; a pretty difficult rule to enforce, of course, but with Superman involved, one that's also necessary. Plus, it allows Sportsmaster to pretty much dominate since, you know, that's his entire schtick. Still, despite Sportsmaster tearing the cover off the ball and acting as the starting pitcher for the Villains, the heroes, thanks to some amazing play from Black Canary and Green Arrow (which, again, makes sense as they are two of heroes least dependent on powers), still manage to enter the top of the ninth tied 8-8.

And that's when all hell breaks loose as the Heroes bring in their closer: Eric Gagne.

No, just kidding. Actually, that's when the villains, being villains, decide to start cheating. After all, if they lose, Mr. and Mrs. Menace will be a thing of the past and Sportsmaster will have to come up with an all-new super lame gimmick instead. With that in mind, then, he secretly implores his squad to begin bending their rules via superpowers, and the game is really on.

Unfortunately, Sportsmaster himself doesn't have any powers, and now he starts to have a complete mental meltdown. After allowing a leadoff single to Black Canary, he inexplicably decides to throw a beanball at Superman even though this will put men on first and second with nobody out in the ninth inning of a tie game. Needless to say, this backfires, literally, as the ball bounces off Superman's invulnerable face and nearly decapitates Sportsmaster.



Things then go from bad to worse, as Wonder Woman singles to load the bases (apparently a very shallow single, as Chronos is able to keep Black Canary from scoring). Now, Sportsmaster buckles down; first he gets Robin to strike out, and then Kid Flash grounds to shortstop, where the Tattooed Man scoops it up and throws out Black Canary in a bang-bang play at the plate. Looks like he's got this wrapped up, right? Wong, because then, the master of all sports, the greatest athletic specimen in the world... walks Batman, forcing in the go-ahead run. A run scored by Superman thanks to the earlier hit by pitch. Honestly, dude, just turn in your face towel right now, because you're an embarrassment.

Deflated, Sportsmaster then compounds his mistakes by giving up a two-run single to Green Arrow, who is then thrown out rounding first thanks to some evil magic by Felix Faust. And we head into the bottom of the ninth with the villains trailing 11-8.

Still, the supervillains aren't about to go down without a fight, so Lex Luthor starts by using a special doctored bat that he borrowed from Sammy Sosa; a device in the shaft prevents the ball from crossing the plate, leading to an easy walk. Next up is Weather Wizard, who starts a blizzard in the infield, but this does nothing, as Wonder Woman ignores it and tags Luthor out in a fielder's choice.

After Joker bunts for a hit thanks to some non-lethal Smilex Gas (it gives a grin, again and again), Chronos lies one on a hop to Kid Flash, whose spuer speed cancels out Chronos's attempt to slow time. Still, even though there are two outs, this was at least a productive out, as he moved both runners into scoring position. Matter Master quickly takes advantage by enchanting the ball so it flies off on little wings; Green Arrow is able to shoot it down before it goes yard, but Weather Wizard cores to cut it to 11-9.

With runners at the corners, then, it's up to Sportsmaster to atone for his idiotic pitching performance in the top of the ninth. And atone he does, drilling a double to center. One run scores, but again, bad baserunning comes back to haunt the villains, as Matter Master is unable to score from first on a double. Where's Enos Slaughter when you need him?

And then... the game ends! You see, it turns out that the villains aren't the only cheaters in the game: Plastic Man, who was handling the duties at first, turned his foot into a big fleshy base and Sportsmaster tagged that instead of the actual base. Technically, thanks to this game of footsie, Sportsmaster never touched first and therefore the field umpire, Amazo, calls him out. Game Over! Final Score: Heroes win, 11-10.

And there you have it: the greatest game ever played. Of course, it's also a product of the time, as evidenced by the fact that both pitchers threw complete games. These days, Sportsmaster would never have been on the hill in the ninth to botch things, as he would have been yanked for Despero or his set up man, The Black Racer. Still, this ranks as an all time classic worthy to stand the test of time. And best of all, DC was kind enough to publish a full box score! I suggest you click on this for a look at some true, old school baseball.

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Tales From the Vault: BRAVE AND THE BOLD #62

All the nation is currently enthralled by the Winter Olympics up in Vancouver, so we thought this would be a perfect time to break out a classic appearance by the world's foremost Olympic-themed supervillain, The Sportsmaster. Yes, for those of you not familiar with The Sportsmaster, he was a Golden Age villain who used his amazing sports acumen to challenge heroes and orchestrate crimes. Have you ever wondered what might happen if Michael Phelps turned to a life of non-cannabis related crime? Well, wonder no more!


Details: The Brave and the Bold #62 comes to us with a cover date of Oct/Nov 1965 and features a team-up between the Golden Age Starman and the Golden Age Black Canary, who would later go on to become her own daughter in a convoluted continuity retcon that is far too complex for me to get into here. Luckily, the classic DC team of Gardner Fox and Murphy Anderson don't get into that minefield at all. Whew.

Synopsis: Our story starts with a recap page, explaining who The Sportsman is (an "all-around athlete who used his extraordinary skills to commit crimes" before vanishing forever from the pages of comics 15 years earlier on account of being a really, really stupid character) and that he has, since his last appearance, gotten married to the much cooler Huntress. Now they're back, but for reasons only Gardner Fox knows, they've decided to refer to themselves as Mr. and Mrs. Menace. I guess this is better than going by their real names, though, since Sportsmaster's true identity is Crusher Crock. Mr. and Mrs. Crock: maybe not the best moniker.

Anyhoo. It's a peaceful night at the annual Sportsman Show, when suddenly a wax statue of a Greek discus thrower shatters to reveal... The Sportsman! Well, why not? The show is named for him, after all. The Sportsman, as you might expect, is dressed in a fly fishing outfit complete with knee high waders, floppy hat and a ginormous fishing pole. How he fit that inside the statue with him, I'd rather not contemplate.

Now that's he's free, though, he quickly uses the rod to snag the event's big trophy, then smashes the other statues, which are filled with tennis balls that fly into the crowd at alarming speeds, causing one patron to shout "Watch out! Those things are hard! They can knock you out!" Well, if that was a statue of Roger Federer, maybe. Plus: sack up, you wuss.

Having distracted everyone with his array of flying balls, The Sportsmaster rushes out of the room and quickly changes into a skiing outfit (by the way, his costume is basically the traditional outfit of whatever sport he's doing, plus a little black handkerchief dangling over his face. Pretty godawful), complete with rocket powered skiis, which, again, where did he have those stashed exactly? Wherever they were, they work, and he zooms to safety as Dinah Lance (aka Black Canary) watches helplessly. She was there, I might ad, as chief of security, so this is a particularly poor showing all around.

MEANWHILE! We cut to Starman, aka Ted Knight, who is described as being at his home in "Federal City". Odd; in James Robinson's acclaimed 1990's Starman series, Knight and family live in Opal City, but it's clearly the same place as evidenced by the fact that Knight is preening over the fully functional copy of the observatory from Mount Palomar which he has just built on his estate. That observatory is the centerpiece of his home in Robinson's Starman, so I wonder why he decided to move them to Opal? Or maybe Fox just fudged up in this appearance.

Whatever the reason, Starman is basically wandering around preening over how rich he is when he suddenly hears a cry for help coming from inside a Chinese maze that he constructed for some reason. Even he isn't sure why a maze is on his property, thinking "It's so complicated I haven't learned my way about it yet!" which is perhaps the best description of a Gardner Fox script ever given. Anyway, he finally gets to the center by changing into his Starman outfit and flying there, where he randomly finds Wildcat (Ted Grant) inside a cage. Yeah, that happens to me all the time.

He doesn't have much time to puzzle over why any of this is happening, because just then Huntress shows up, equally puzzled why Starman is messing up her plans. Irritated, she summons a flock of trained falcons to attack Starman. But Knight has a trick or two up his own sleeve; first he diverts a meteorite into their midst, which he claims is a way to take care of them without killing them -- color me skeptical. Then he... well, here's how Fox puts it: "But now Starman summons down the powers of starlight itself -- freezing it into great blue cubes". Say wha huh?! He follows up this brilliantly impossible tactic by summoning the Aurora Borealis from the North Pole and "interposing that multi-colored wall between himself and the predatory birds".

WTF?

Needless to say, Huntress is watching all this with a look on her face that says she must be thinking exactly what I'm thinking, so she decides to just vamoose before Fox has a chance to drop any more acid. Just then, though, The Sportsmaster shows up and, seeing Starman chasing his wife, he yanks off a ski and hurls it javelin style right into Starman's face. Kerpow! Let's see the Aurora Borealis block a ski to the melon, smart guy!

Luckily for Starman, Black Canary shows up right then and rushes to catch him... no, wait. She ignores his falling body and instead starts wrestling Sportsmaster, trading a bunch of lame football puns while Starman presumably plummets to his death off panel. Nice one. It looks like she's at least taken down Sportsmaster, though, after she heaves him through the air with enough force that his ski sticks into the ground like a tent stake. But sadly for her, Huntress comes up behind her and decks her.

Rather than press their advantage, though, Mr. and Mrs. Crock decide instead to hop into a nearby jet and get while the getting's good, taking a quick detour to gather up the still unconscious Wildcat. With them out of the way, of course, Black Canary finally has a chance to go look for Starman, who as you might expect is lying flat on his back off in the woods. The two of them quickly hatch a cunning plan: noticing that Sportsmaster has left his rocket skis behind, they stand there and wait for the skis to activate a homing beacon. Luckily, this actually works, and they follow the skis to the Menace household, where they quickly locate Wildcat in a basement array of cages.

Also in those cages? A bunch of wild animals. As soon as they let Wildcat out, all these other beasts also come out, which allows Fox and Anderson to give us the spectacle of Wildcat boxing a kangaroo, Canary using jiu jitsu on a gorilla (which, shockingly, is not on the cover of the comic for once) and Starman using his deus ex machina stick to engulf the whole room in cleansing fire. That one pretty much defeats the animals a little faster than a couple uppercuts.

Meanwhile, though, there's no sign of Sportsmaster and Huntress. Why? Because they have flown off using the greatest escape vehicle ever made, a putting green Sportsmaster has cleverly turned into a hovercraft. The two of them float off to a nearby golf course, where Sportsmaster proceeds to take out all the competitors at the tournament by floating over them and shaking golf balls off his hovercraft right into their faces, leaving the course strewn with unconscious bodies. Awesome. Just think how different things would be if Tiger had one of these instead of a lame SUV.

Anyway, Starman and Black Canary nicely ditch Widlcat (who bitches about it at length, but since he can't fly, sayonara) and take off after Mr. and Mrs. Menace, finally catching them just before they are about to abscond with a bag of cash. Of course, a big brawl breaks out, with Starman creating green Lantern-style giant tennis rackets and whatever. (As a side note, Gardner is really fond of coming up with cutesy nicknames for his characters, like "Astral Avenger" for Starman. However, at one point he calls him "The Rod Ranger". Yeah... I wonder why that didn't catch on).

Finally, Starman realizes that Huntress is trying to maneuver them underneath the hovering putting green, so instead he turns the tables and sure enough, as soon as Mr. and Mrs. Menace are underneath the green, giant metal bars pop out of the bottom of it, imprisoning them in their own trap. Curses!

THE END!!!

Extras: This is a very interesting comic for fans of Starman, as this issue (and the previous one to an even larger degree) set the foundation for a lot of stuff Robinson did thirty years later, specifically with regards to the affair between Starman and Black Canary that he revealed. To be honest, it's not that big a stretch after reading this issue, as it helps explain this otherwise arbitrary team-up.

This issue is also important as it's not only the first silver age appearances for Sportsmaster and Huntress but also for Wildcat, who I have to admit I've never been a big fan of. I'm not sure why they bothered re-introducing him in this tale, though; he spends the whole issue captive or unconscious, and then when he finally does wake up and is sprung from jail, he gets off like two punches before they others ditch him. He comes off as pretty useless, not exactly the impression you'd want to give if you're testing the waters for future appearances.

My Grades: Starman gets a C- for being a boring Green Lantern ripoff (though he does have a decent name and costume), and the story as a whole gets a C+ for being a totally average Silver Age DC superhero comic. But Black Canary is always cool, so she gets a B in this issue, while for historians and Starman fans, this has to get an A- at worst for importance. And that putting green gets an A+++++.

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Tales From the Vault: MASTER OF KUNG-FU #16

Hey, kids, welcome back to another edition of Tales Form the Vault, where we dig into our vast treasure trove of comics and read a random issue. This week's offering is none other than Special Marvel Edition #16, which features The Hands of Shang-Chi, Master of Kung-Fu. What's not mentioned in this extended title is that the rest of Shang-Chi is also present for the story, so don't worry, this isn't a Che Guevara incident.

But enough dilly dally. Let's get right to the comic!

Details: This issue is dated February of 1974 and has Steve Englehart as writer and lists Jim Starlin and Al Milgrom as artist and co-artist. Wow, Milgrom was messing up comics as far back as 1973? There's also a little credit box saying "Featuring characters created by Sax Rohmer". This is, of course, Fu Manchu, whose trademark mustache I recently attempted to wear with mixed success. A little wiki tells me that Marvel apparently had bought the rights to Fu Manchu for comic purposes, but lost those rights in the 80's, and thus Shang-Chi's father is only shown in shadows from that point and never referred to by name. Huh. I wonder why they bought the rights in the first place?

By the way, the story boasts the terrifically goofy title "Midnight Brings Dark Death!" Of course it does. Plus, the cover blurb describes Midnight as a "Man-Menace." WTF guys, are you even trying?


Synopsis: The issue starts with Shang-Chi standing in Central Park, where he's decided to pitch camp after fleeing from his father in #15. Some New York tough guys decide to kick his butt just because, and instead he wastes them. He apparently has hyper-developed senses, because in one caption it says "The bald one's sweat odor suddenly increases sharply". Real time sweat detection. Hmm. As far as super powers go, that's about the worst I've ever heard of.

A group of bystanders is watching, and when Shang-Chi finishes beating the two dudes, the people watching all decide to also attack him for no apparent reason. See, this is why Ed Koch put together that "I Love NY" ad campaign. Shang-Chi again beats them all down. Then, suddenly, Midnight appears, gives a very brief speech, and vanishes.

This apparently happens as a means to segue into a Midnight origin story, and here's what we learn: in 1973, Starlin couldn't draw children very well. Midnight was just such a badly drawn boy after his parents were killed and his face was maimed in an attack on one of Fu Manchu's villages. Fu (not to be confused with Shaq Fu) took him in so that he could nurse his hate and become a killing weapon, and that's where he met Shang-Chi and they became friends. Is it just me, or does that happen an awful lot? Now I know where I've seen Midnight before: he's Snake Eyes.

Anyway. Now, in the present, Midnight has been sent to kill Shang-Chi because Shang-Chi has left Fu's service, which Fu chalks up to the influence of Shang's "American mother". Midnight doesn't want to kill Shang-Chi, but he is loyal, so agrees to.

Shang-Chi doesn't know any of this just yet, because he's too busy being caught in the middle of culture shock. This involves a belligerent cop who mistakes Shang-Chi for a prank playing hippie, and somehow this requires the cop to pull his gun. This part feels just a weeeee bit contrived, I have to say. In fact, every New Yorker in the issue so far has been a complete tool who has way overreacted and attacked Shang-Chi for no reason other than he's from out of town. In other words, just like actual New Yorkers. Ba-da-bing! Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Just then! Midnight heaves a scroll at Shang-Chi, who clocks the cop and reads it. It's a challenge. The two decide to meet up and start a fight to the death, and seriously, Midnight is pretty cool looking. Sure enough, they fight for a couple pages and start to argue about philosophy when suddenly the cops show up again, saying that "we're not as inept as you think!" Which is an easy thing to say but seems very, very difficult for them to actually prove.

Seems Shang-Chi is wanted for murder from issue #15 and him decking that cop kind of gave away his position. Of course, both Shang-Chi and Midnight immediately vanish even though the cop is looking right at them, with a spotlight on them and a gun drawn, so there goes that whole "we're not inept" argument. During this section the cop refers to midnight as "Boston Blackie" I'm not familiar with this reference, but another quick check of wiki informs me that he was a detective in some books in the teens and twenties and some films in the 40's. Huh. Still in the realm of popular culture in the 70's? I smells me some Roy Thomas.

Anyhow, Midnight and Shang-Chi meet up again and continue their fight and Midnight is pretty much taking it to him hard core. Shang-Chi then realizes that he has been dogging it because he doesn't want to kill his friend, but he further realizes it is inevitable, so he just up and chucks Midnight off a crane. Midnight falls and his cape gets caught on the crane's hook and his neck breaks. Hmm. Seems like there was a lot of that going around in Marvel at that time.

THE END!!!!


Extras: Interesting that they pretty much introduce an arch-enemy for Shang-Chi in this issue, give him an awesome name and costume and compelling back story and then kill him off int he same issue. I'm not sure if that's a terrible idea or a bit of genius. Considering the creative team, I'm leaning towards the former.

And from Bullpen Bulletins we can see that this issue came out at the same time as one of the issues I've already reviewed on here, Power Man #17, so the rest of the Bulletins is the same as that one, i.e. they introduce the Marvel Value Stamp and all of collectordom goes into a silent frothing rage. Yo, someone out there owes me an un-wrecked copy of Incredible Hulk #181. Seriously. Special Marvel Edition #16 and Power Man #17 also both came out the same month as the slightly better known Amazing Spider-man #129. One out of three ain't bad.


My Grades: Midnight gets an A+. The story itself gets a B+, only taking a hit because of the cartoonishly violent actions of all New Yorkers. I know they're trying to play up the cultural differences, but really. Final verdict: somewhat special, but not special enough to warrant the word "Special" in the title of the series. This is more like a Regular Marvel Edition.

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Tales From the Vault: IRON MAN #66

Hey, all you Marvel Zombies! What could possibly be cooler than a Thor versus Iron Man throwdown? If you're like me -- and I know you are, only less so -- then that sort of thing is totally the cat's pajamas. But why settle for recent imitators (like JMS's Thor #3) when you can go right to the classics? That's right, it's time for a look at Iron Man #66 in a tale someone could only call... Night of the Thunder God!


Details: This gem comes to us straight out of February, 1973 (meaning it was actually published in late 1972, but who's counting?). The art is by classic Iron Man artist George Tuska, who sadly passed away recently, and the less classic Mike Friedrich, better known as The Lesser Friedrich. Can Friedrich and Tuska deliver on the cover's promise? Well, let's go with maybe on that one.

Synopsis: Oh, look, this story turns out to be continued form the previous issue; I'm going to guess that the last issue had Thor suddenly swoop in out of nowhere on the last page. Just a hunch. It starts with Thor and Iron Man facing off, and as they do so, an onlooker shouts "Iron Man's gone nuts -- attacking everything in sight -- and Thor's vowed to stop him!" Well, buddy, I didn't ask you, but thanks for the exposition. That pretty much fills us in, but Friedrich follows this up with a brief recap of last issue: turns out Iron Man is possessed by the spirit of an evil skrull, who...

Forget it, I'm not reading the rest. More Secret Invasion crap. The pages of this comic smell like Bendis. I give up.

Wait, I see a picture of Dr. Spectrum, so I guess we'll keep going. This skrull spirit, see, was trapped inside Spectrum's power prism. When Spectrum attacked Iron Man -- I guess this was the evil Spectrum from the Squadron Sinister -- the skrull managed to break free from his imprisonment and take over Iron Man's body. Just as he was about to kill Spectrum, though, Thor swooped in and stopped him. Ah, as I thought, the infamous "last page swoop".

So, recap done, the evil skrull Iron Man tries to trick Thor by pretending he's still really Iron Man, but I guess this is the worst skrull ever, because Thor figures it out, oh, instantly. Plus, this skrull is just a giant moron in general, because he says in his recap that he attracted Thor by smashing everything in sight to show off his new form. And he is shocked that Thor has showed up because he didn't expect "to be challenged so soon" and this has disrupted his plans to dominate Earth, because even he knows that Iron Man is no match for Thor.

Man, that sounds really stupid. You didn't expect to be challenged so soon? This throws a wrench in your plans to conquer the Earth? Except, like, Earth is covered with superheroes who specifically hang around waiting to stop challenge would-be conquerors. And you just went on a giant demolition spree right off the bat. What did this guy expect would happen?

Anyway, he decides to just use his power prism to turn invisible and run away -- finally, a halfway smart idea -- except Thor makes it rain so he can see the outline of the guy, then clobbers him. Whap! Just like that, fight over. Man, that was... exactly as fast as it should have been, for once. And that means...

...time for a long flashback. We see that Happy Hogan has just revealed to his wife, Pepper Potts-Happy (er... or something), that Stark is Iron Man, and she's like, "oh, get over yourself, you jealous liar". This, of course, kind of ticks Happy off. Just then, he hears a news flash that Iron Man is fighting Spectrum, so he decides to prove to his wife that she's being a jerkazoid. He does this by opening Stark's briefcase and putting on the Iron Man armor himself. Then he flies off while Pepper shouts at him to stop showing off cause he's just going to do something dumb. Way to stand by your man, lady. Good one.

Okay, flashback over. While Thor is trying to revive Iron Man, the cops bring Spectrum over, and he's like "smooth move, exlax" and mentally seizes control of the prism again, busting himself free and flying off. Just then, another Iron Man flies in from nowhere right asThor begins kicking Spectrum's rear. This second (third?) Iron Man shows up, though, and says that this is his fight and Thor should back off. Man, I dunno about you, but I hate that sort of macho crap. "Back off, Thor. This is between me and Dr. Spectrum. Even if all of the Eastern Seaboard gets destroyed in the process, and I lose a hand, I want to prove to him that I am his superior." Dude, how about letting Thor help? Public safety ever enter your mind. After all, you know, it's THOR. He could end this fight in about nine seconds if you would let him. In fact, he just did a couple pages ago.

But, no. Thor is like "sure thing, Tony, I'll just hang out over here while you two wreck all of Chicago". So, they start fighting. Spectrum tries a couple of Z-grade Green Lantern tricks that don't work, then goes the old diversion route by creating a robot that he sends careening into a park of civilians. Frankly, it would be justice if a bunch of them got hurt, because then Iron Man could be brought up on charges of Unlawful Machismo for his decision to keep Thor on the sidelines. Instead, though, Iron Man wrecks the robot in one hit (a big splash page).

We also get this bit of inspired (or is that insipid?) Friedrich prose:

"His gaze is steel -- and some say his veins are as well... But you can well appreciate the word on the street! 'Don't mess with this man-machine!'"

Wow, really, Mike? That's the best you can give us? Somewhere, Stan Lee is weeping a solitary tear.

Finally, Dr. Spectrum actually comes up with a good idea (better than that invisibility one, even). Since Iron Man is just smashing everything he makes, he creates a big device that is intended to be smashed. When Iron Man breaks it, he's engulfed in flames. Mind you, this does nothing, but it was a good idea anyway.

Realizing he's getting his butt kicked, Spectrum whips up an airplane to fly away in, which is a bit odd since he's already flying without it. Iron Man quickly wrecks this as well -- someone call Damage, Inc. already -- and once Spectrum has safely crashed to the Earth, Iron Man stomps on the prism and destroys it. He then unmasks Spectrum, who turns out to be... an African economist named Dr. Obatu. Hmm. I wasn't expecting that.

Anyway, Iron Man rushes over to the other Iron Man, who is being tended to by Don Blake, meaning that at least one of these Avengers was doing something useful. It looks grim for... some guy named Eddie March. Yep, that Happy Hogan thing was just a red herring. Now we find out that Pepper's speech actually convinced Happy to take the suit off, but unbeknownst to everyone, Eddie March (another friend of Stark's) was running around with an Iron Man suit when he also heard about the fight with Spectrum and decided to jump in himself.

So, apparently just about everyone in America had an Iron Man suit back in 1973. Personally, this whole switcheroo with Iron Man turning out to be Happy turning out to be some random dude seems pretty cheap to me. In a thought balloon we see that Iron Man had fled to repair his armor during the fight with Spectrum and he called Jarvis and had him send Thor over to help. Which is weird, since he didn't, in fact, allow Thor to help any once they were both there.

The issue ends with Blake telling Iron Man that March might live but they need to get him to the hospital right away; we then see a closeup of the smashed power prism and some crap about Spectrum maybe reappearing at some future date.

THE END!!


Comments: This issue has a couple problems. Firstly, the structure is kinda horrible, with the big flashbacks interrupting the action and stuff. Slightly more jarring, however, is the fact that nothing makes a lick of sense in this entire issue. The whole Happy Hogan red herring thing, with the defeated iron Man being revealed as a random third character who hadn't even appeared in the issue yet, is worse than lazy, it's outright cheap.

Plus, the big Thor vs. Iron Man fight shown on the cover never happens, and the stand in Iron Man gets creamed in about one page. So, in other words, this is an even lamer sales ploy than most of these lame sales ploys. Blah.


My Grades: This comic gets a C-, saved only by George Tuska and the presence of Dr. Spectrum, who is really cool even when he's a lame skrull or whatever the heck was going on here. The Iron Man vs. Thor angle gets a giant F-, though, for ripping off everyone who's so much as seen the cover.

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Tales From the Vault: ACTION COMICS #313

Hey, kids! It's time for another installment of Tales Form the Vault, the feature where I dip into my stash of back issues and read them for you. It's just like holding the comic in your hands -- only over the internet! Magic.

Today's entry is the ironically titled Action Comics #313, featuring not one but two Silver Age DC "classics." Let's go to the tape!

Details: This bit of timeless nostalgia comes to us from June of 1964. It's really startling to read DC superhero comics from this era, because they are so placid and stale that you really gain an understanding of how Marvel became a cultural phenomenon so quickly. By the time this rote pair of formulaic stories came out, Marvel had already introduced pretty much all of their classic characters and was in the process of weaving them together into a revolutionary shared unvierse that looks even more vibrant when compared to this.

First Story Synopsis: First up we have a tale with art from Al Plastino and a script from... a mystery man. Probably someone trying to protect their reputation by leaving their name off the finished product, which is called "The End of Clark Kent's Secret Identity!" Technically, shouldn't that be "The End of Superman's Secret Identity"? I mean, that's what it says on the cover, so... huh?

Regardless, the story begins with one of those symbolic pages that encapsulates the story within, which begins thusly: Supergirl shows up at the Daily Planet and tells Perry White that Clark is Superman. Clark is aghast and she immediately apologizes, saying she doesn't know what came over her, but Perry agrees to cover for him anyway.

Next, Superman sees Batman (hey, Batman is in this issue, that's cool) sitting inside an armored car protecting some stuff. He flies over and clocks a bunch of thugs waiting to ambush the car, then shows Batman that the car was actually made of balsa wood, making him a sitting duck. Somehow the World's Greatest Detective didn't pick up on the fact that his car was made of wood. Don't these people realize that he's the goddamn Batman?

Anyway, next thing you know, Batman has told Lois Lane that Superman is Clark. Again, like Supergirl, Batman can't believe what he's done, but Lois is pretty much unfazed and also says she'll keep the secret. That's big of her. Two plus decades of trying to prove Clark is Superman and not so much as a blink.

Next up is Jimmy Olsen, who flies with Clark to the Arctic to investigate pirate attacks. That['s where all the best treasure is, after all: the Arctic. Superman finds the pirates' secret lair and defeats them, but suddenly the mermaid Lori Lemaris shows up and reveals Superman's identity to Jimmy. You know, that is one thing Silver Age Superman totally had all over today's version: one of his primary love interests was a mermaid. The post-Crisis version of Lori was just lame.

Back in the story, Superman is shocked at these betrayals, and wonders if his friends are brainwashed. He decides that if they aren't, they should be, so he corrals Jimmy, Lois and Perry and says that he's going to hypnotize them and make them forget about his secret identity. Hey Supes, just ask Dr. Strange to cast a spell over the Earth, that always works for me. Or better yet, get Zatanna to do it. She's pro.

Turns out he should have done one or the other, because not only does the hypnosis not work, but now his friends decide to blackmail him. Instead of giving in, however, he grabs them and heaves them all into the ocean! Wow, we've all wanted to do that to Superman's supporting cast, but I never expected Supes to actually do it himself.

At this point, a flying saucer shows up (naturally) and retrieves Superman's friends and we discover that they are all androids, created by The Android Master, who is working with The Superman Revenge Squad. That's a really cool name for a bunch of really, really lame villains. Superman, of course, had already deduced that all of his friends, including the traitorous ones who had revealed his identity, were androids. He quickly mops up the Revenge Squad and revives Batman from the suspended animation he was in, then makes it look like Clark was among those captured. Once again, his identity is saved!

THE END!

Second Story Synopsis: Next up is a Supergirl story called "Lena Thorul, Jungle Princess!" It's pretty illogical and convoluted, meaning it's just like the first story only with twice as much Supergirl, so I'm going to just boil it down to brass tacks. Lena Thorul is a psychic friend of Supergirl's who is trying to get into the FBI. Naturally. As a test assignment they send her to interview Lex Luthor. Unbeknownst to Lena, Lex Luthor is actually... HER BROTHER! Not only that, he's been hiding their connection for years because he loves her and doesn't want her to be shamed by their connection. Okay, didn't see either of those developments coming.

However, being psychic, she discovers this fact by reading his mind during their interview. She goes into shock and develops amnesia. All she knows is something horrible has happened and she has to flee. So she buys a plane ticket to Africa, having apparently just seen Almost Famous. Upon arrival, she grabs the wrong suitcase, which happens to be filled with props for an African jungle movie; the only thing she has to wear is a white zebra skin one-piece bathing suit.

Donning this outfit, she discovers that she can control animals with her psychic powers, so she becomes the Jungle Princess and starts driving off poachers and stuff. During one fight, she is grazed by a bullet and her memory returns. She decides to return to Metropolis but remain in the identity of Jungle Princess so that people won't find out she's Lex Luthor's sister.

Back in the big city, she becomes a circus sensation, drawing huge crowds with her animal tricks. But she freaks out because of the Lex thing, so Supergirl takes her place in the show. Suddenly, Lex breaks out of jail (having earlier been supplied gardening equipment by Supergirl -- just go with it) by genetically engineering a plant to grow into a huge vine for him to climb down. He rushes to the show and presents Lena with a genetically modified plant which emits a gas that causes amnesia. No explanation as to how Luthor could have developed this without developing amnesia himself.

Luckily, if someone gets amnesia when they already have amnesia, it becomes squared; so, once again, then, Lena has no idea of her connection to Luthor but is otherwise her normal self, so Supergirl returns him to jail and Lena joins the FBI.

THE END!


Extras: Okay, a couple things jump out immediately, but they involve attempting to apply logic to Silver Age DC. And that's just a recipe for madness. Still, you have to winder why the Superman Revenge Squad needs to come up with such a convoluted plan to get their revenge if they already know his secret identity. I mean, i can come up with a dozen better ways to use that knowledge and I'm not even a professional super-villain. They don't have to go all Dr. Light, but surely they can come up with something.

Also, that Supergirl story; just, wow.


My Grades: Overall this gets a B for being an interesting look at the comics world of 1964 and how DC compared (or didn;t compare) to Marvel's rising tide. The actual stories, though, kind of suck; the Superman one gets a C- and the Supergirl one gets a B+ because it sucks in a much more entertaining way.

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Tales From the Vault: JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY #89

Welcome to another edition of Tales From the Vault, where we read and review random comics from our back issue file. Today's selection: Journey Into Mystery #89. Some of you may recall that the cover for this issue appeared at #7 on our list of the Top 70 Marvel Covers, a decision that split the internet community nearly in half. Some dedicated fans, such as those here at the Vault, believe this is the iconic Thor image and is a picture of grace and power from the unparalleled pen of the legendary Jack Kirby. Other uncultured mendicants disagreed, voicing contrary opinions that are barely worth the words it takes to acknowledge them. But since we clearly welcome debate, we thought it would be an interesting exercise to review the actual contents of that issue. As a bonus, these early Journey Into Mystery issues feature a number of non-superhero short stories from a legion of classic comic writers and artists, which gives an interesting time capsule look at the development of early Marvel.

So what are we waiting for? Let's get right down to it!


Details: This issue swings to us with a cover date of February, 1953. This puts us roughly 15 months after the first issue of Fantastic Four kicked off the Marvel Age of comics; this is the seventh issue of Thor, who first appeared in Journey Into Mystery #83. Plots by Stan, pencils by Jack, but we also get credits here for inker Dick Ayers and scripter L. D. Lieber, who is, of course, Stan Lee's brother Larry Lieber and who probably doesn't get enough credit for his contributions to early Marvel; he also scripted the first appearance of Iron Man, among other key comics. These are the credits for Thor; some of the back-ups have other creatord, who we'll talk about when we get to them. So hold your horses, jack.


Story One Synopsis: First up is, of course, Thor. The story starts out with Thor flying back to his office after his latest adventure, whatever that was; there's no footnote tying this to the last issue. Marvel must not have created their massive footnote archive yet. Anyway, Thor gets concerned that people will see him going into Don Blake's place, so he comes up with a quick distraction: he grabs a mannequin from a storefront, whips up a quick Thor costume using, I dunno, his amazing sewing powers, and then heaves the Thor dummy completely out of Manhattan and into the ocean. This fools onlookers into thinking Thor is flying overhead, and while they are distracted, Thor turns back into Don Blake. Wow, nice one, Thor. It's not quite as good as the "fake vomit" trick from the 80's Captain America movie, but it's pretty good.

This is followed by a quick recap of Thor's origin for people new to the series (which at this point was pretty much everyone) and we get a bit of early Marvel character stuff; Don Blake is thinking how much of a sap he is and that Jane could never love him, while Jane is thinking... that Don Blake is a sap. Well, sort of; she's just irritated that he won't hit on her, so instead she goes into a daydream of how awesome it would be to work for Thor instead (and, of course, be his girlfriend). This involves her ironing his cape and giving him a haircut so he won't be so hot during the summer. Ah, the 60's.

Meanwhile, famous mobster Thug Thatcher busts free from the feds and escapes into the country after a shootout. I don't get too much into nature vs. nurture here, but naming your kid Thug is probably not the best idea. He's in a bad way, so his gang rushes back into the city to find a sawbones. You guessed it, they end up picking Don Blake. After tying up Jane, they drag Blake off into the countryside, where Thug's doting moll begs Don for help. Don gets to work saving Thug, due to the Hippocratic Oath, but is in a real fix when the goons take his magic cane away. This really presents a problem because, after he finishes the operation, Thug orders them to kill Blake. Uh-oh!

Luckily, Blake is in possession of a giant deus ex machina. Or, in this case, a deus ex thought balloon: Blake sends a prayer to Odin for help, who zaps the goons with lightning. Nice one. Why does he even need his hammer if he can just ask Odin to zap everyone? In fact, what do we need Thor for at all?

Regardless, during the minor confusion, Blake grabs his stick and becomes Thor even though he's technically useless. Then he.... uh... well, he uses his super breath to blow a tablecloth so hard that it wraps all the goons up in a giant bundle that they can't break free from.

As if this wasn't enough, Jimmy's signal watch then goes off and... oh, wait. Got confused.

Anyway, next, Thor cuts off escape by knocking down a whole row of trees with his hammer, blocking in the cars, which would really piss off Al Gore if this wasn't 1963. But it's too late; Thug and his moll have already escaped. Naturally, they rush right to Blake's office, where, after all, they already have a tied up hostage waiting. Sure enough, when Thor flies in, Thug forces him to relinquish his hammer or else the girl gets it, see?

But Thug failed to consider Thor's super ventriloquism! Personally, I don't blame him, since Thor doesn't actually have that power. Yet, somehow, he uses it anyway, throwing his voice out into the hallway to convince Thug that the cops are there. Thor takes this opportunity to create a whirlwind with his hammer that whips him and Jane right out the window to safety! Nice job, Thor. Add precision tornadoes to Thor's arsenal.

Thug and his moll (who is named Ruby) flee on foot to a construction site. At this point, Thug ditches Ruby, jumps onto an elevator, and proceeds to fire a hail of bullets back down at the doting Ruby. Jeez, dude, way to be a total prick for no reason. Luckily, Thor saves her, then fires a lightning bolt at Thug, which blasts the girders Thug is standing on.

This seems to be a miscalculation, though, because it superheats a bucket of rivets, which Thug then threatens to dump on the crowd below. Whoops! Not sure why the bucket isn't also superheated, but whatever. Thor pretends to give up, but that's because he can see that the girder has been compromised by the super-heat, and sure enough, it collapses. Thor catches Thug in midair and delivers him to the police.

After quickly mind-wiping Jane to make her forget the whole thing -- why he needs to do this, I have no idea; maybe he's just a fan of the Justice League -- Thor flies around bemoaning his fate like an emo whiner.

THE END!!!!


Story Two Synopsis: Next up is a one page text story with perhaps the most original title in the history of science fiction, "From Outer Space". Seems that the UN built a space station and suddenly, an alien spaceship appeared. A commission was sent up to meet the aliens, who turned out to be humanoids with weirdly shaped lips. They explained that they were going to conquer Earth and enslave everyone if humanity couldn't give a good reason why they should be spared. Luckily, the head of the commission had a secret weapon: he used his wonderful human lips to whistle, something that the aliens couldn't do and were shocked at. Yes, turns out that, due to the shape of their mouths, the aliens never developed music at all. Soon, dumbfounded by our amazing composers, they agreed to spare Earth in exchange for a steady supply of music.

This craptastic non-story doesn't have any writer credited, for obvious reasons.

THE END!


Story Three Synopsis: Next up is a short story with plot from Stan, script from Larry and art from Sol Brodsky. It's called "Barker's Body Shop!". Seems that Barker (not Bob Barker, unfortunately) is a shady mechanic who uses shoddy materials and bilks people at every opportunity. Seems it's his lucky day when he gets two strokes of luck: the richest guy in town drops his car off, and a mysterious drifter stops by looking for work. The drifter turns out to be a brilliant mechanic, so Barker has him fix up the rich guy's car. When he's done, though, Barker refuses to pay him. So, the guy jumps in the car and flies off into space; turns out he was an alien looking for a car to modify for spaceflight. Now the joke's on Barker, who is going to get put out of business by the rich guy. Moral: don't screw aliens.

THE END!!


Story Four Synopsis: Lastly, we have a story called "When the Switch is Pulled..." By Stan and Steve Ditko. A guy makes a time machine, but his colleague is skeptical. So they jump in it and activate it. When it finishes doing it's thing, they step out only to find themselves in the exact same place. Devastated, the scientist smashes his machine. The joke's on him, though, because it turns out that the machine works -- it just did a complete circuit of all history and ended up back in the same place when it was finished. Whoops!

This story is mostly interesting for the Ditko art, which shows some hints of his later techniques; he uses a lot of colored circles here in a way that suggests Dr. Strange or, more embarrassingly, Speedball. But it's kind of interesting from an art standpoint, anyway.

THE END!


Extras: Wow, that Thor story was lame, huh? But despite the fact that it is lame (or perhaps because of it), this issue is a perfect example of why Journey Into Mystery is one of the most interesting early Marvels for comics historians and fans. People often have an idea that the Marvel Universe sprung fully formed from the minds of Stan and Jack, but in truth there was an evolution process that took place over the psan of several years. Nowhere is this more evident than in the pages of Journey Into Mystery, because unlike other creations such as Spider-man or Hulk, Thor was pretty much a cipher when he first appeared, little more than a Superman rip-off with some vague mythological trappings. It wasn't really until they added the Tales of Asgard back-up feature that Thor began to round into shape, and so these early stories are a perfect glimpse of how Stan experimented and almost fumbled his way from the initial germ of an idea to the polished, fully realized version of Thor that eventually would emerge and become a fan favorite.

That would take several years; while there are glimpses here and there, things don't really begin to resemble the Thor we know today until the mid 110's; for my money, the fight with Destroyer that begins in #118, combined with the introduction of the Warriors Three in #119, really ushers in the classic Thor we all associate with the character. To see him use weird-ass powers like super-ventriloquism in #89, then, is a real shock to the system for Thor fans and speak to how much work went into the gradual development of the character.

Also of interest in this issue are the appearances of Ruby and Thug Thatcher. Other than Stan and Jack's epic tenure, the most famous and acclaimed run on Thor belongs to Walt Simonson, and it's clear that he did his homework, as he frequently brought back obscure characters from these early issues that had been forgotten for decades. One of these was the dragon Fafnir, who played a fairly prominent role in the build-up to the Ragnarok storyline during the mid-340's, but he also later brought back Thug Thatcher and Ruby during an odd two-part storyline in Thor #371-372. In this story, Thug gets out of jail only to be consumed by the Zaniac parasite (itself a fairly obscure reclamation), which transforms its host into a misogynistic serial killer; in this guise, he hunts down and murders Ruby. This actually becomes an important plotline later, as Thor takes Ruby's orphaned children under his wing and finds a surrogate family for them, leading to them becoming supporting characters in the series for years to come.


My Grades: The Thor Story gets an A for historical interest and a C- for the Action Comics plotline (though even so, there's more humor and Marvel-style "we're all sort of in on the joke" touches than DC had in the entire decade); the backup stories likewise get a B+ for existing and a C- for actual readability. But the cover gets an A+++++.

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